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Thursday, January 30, 2014

Bizarre Mormon Video Calls for a War on Masturbation

20 Mormon suggestions to overcome the evils of masturbation: 

1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently, even out loud, when the temptations are the strongest. Don't be afraid of ridicule, sinners will pay the price in the afterlife.

2. Exercise daily. Exercise reduces emotional tension and depression and is absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Stay away from co-ed gyms. Be careful not to do any stretches that might inflame your holy parts.

3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell "STOP" to those thoughts as loudly as you can, go out in the hallway if you are at work or school. Recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.

4. If you ever do give in, don't give up. The worst thing you can do is say "oh well, I screwed up, I guess I'll stop trying". Simply get back on track and don't look back. Until you commit yourself to never do it again you will always be open to temptation. And for Jesus sake never use the word "screw", say "diddly" or "fastener" instead.

5. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations.Think of a strong person you can admire like Mitt Romney and try to emulate him.

6. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan to improving your Church service, to improving your relationships with your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and talents. However limit explicit talk of touching your private parts to ugly women and other men.

7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself on others and learn to enjoy working on them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

8. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting an ugly friend, doing something unpleasant like helping the homeless, etc.

10. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what your particular times and conditions were. Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern through counter activities.

11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, try punching yourself in the holy parts. The pain will help associate negative feelings with it.

12. During your bathroom and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open and use cold water. Keep your magic underwear on, it will save the trouble of having to wash them.

13. Get out of bed immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity. If need be, have a parent or friend wake you with cold water.

14. Keep your bladder empty. Believe it or not, having a full bladder can cause you to feel sexually stimulated. So refrain from drinking water as the trips to the toilet will cause you to handle your holy parts too frequently, which may entice you to indulge. Try to look away or counting while urinating so as not to tempt yourself.

16. Always wear pajamas at night (preferably ones that tie or are difficult to open). Also helpful are oven mitts.

17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or websites that create sexual excitement. Only date unattractive women and avoid men outside the church that like to discuss their dates.

18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. The Book of Mormon for example, held firmly in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases. A few sharp whacks to your holy parts and any urge to masturbate will be overcome with godly pain.

19. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A dollar in a jar for every day you don't masturbate. At the end of the month you can buy something you like. If you don't make it to the end of the month, donate the money in the jar to charity - this one works quite well.

20. Avoid certain foods that smell similar to female holy parts like Tuna or Claims, stick to beef or chicken.


  1. I made a parody of this video

    1. I laughed my ass off, thanks for posting the link.


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